DTNS 2853 – Everyone Hates Facebook

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Weekly Tech Views: The Tech – No Logic Blog – Sept 10, 2016

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Real tech stories. Really shaky analysis.

It certainly is New Tech season, what with the likes of Apple and Sony making big announcements this week, but it is also, you may have noticed, football season. This means a couple pigskin-related references may have snuck into the Weekly Tech Views. If you come across one and you are not a football fan, just nod your head and say “uh-huh” until I stop talking about it. Seems to work for my wife.

 

For the week of September 5 – 9, 2016…

Turns Out The Cord Was My Safety Net
With the iPhone 7 doing away with the headphone jack, Apple introduced AirPods–tiny, wireless, individual earbuds. You can use them to access Siri by just double-tapping either one to say “Siri, how deep is the average sewer?” or “Siri, can I buy just the left AirPod?” or “Damn it, never mind, Siri, how do I order both?”

Big Apple News
Apple CEO Tim Cook: “With the Apple Watch Series 2, we have added a dual-core processor, GPS, water resistance up to 50 meters, and maintained the same battery life while increasing thickness by less than a millimeter!”

The Bill Graham Civic Center goes silent.

A glass is dropped and shatters.

Then, the whispers:

“Thicker? Did he say thicker? No, maybe he said quicker.”

“Less than a millimeter quicker?”

“I know–it doesn’t make sense, but does thicker make sense? Does it? From Apple?!”

(points at the stage) “You take that back! You say you meant thinner!”

Tim Cook gestures to the list of upgrades: “But… but we added all this–”

The crowd as one: “THIN-NER! THIN-NER!”

Cook: “It’s less than a milli–”

A reporter leaps on stage, grabs the watch, and attacks it with a nail file. “This abomination must not stand!” she screams, the stage lights glinting of the metal grooming tool as it flew furiously but futilely across the watch’s surface.

San Francisco 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick stands and announces, “I’m still going to kneel during the national anthem, but now it’s because I can not honor a country that would allow the updated version of a tech device to get bigger!”

Players who formerly disagreed with Kaepernick’s actions now back him, immediately taking a knee despite the playing of the anthem at their game being four days away.

Minutes later, half the crowd is wearing t-shirts proclaiming THICK IS SICK! AND NOT IN THE COOL WAY IT IS LITERALLY MAKING ME PHYSICALLY ILL!

With the Civic Center moments from being burned to the ground, Cook clears his throat, announces that Super Mario is coming to the iPhone, and all is well.

You Might Want To Go Easy On The Sour Cream
Alphabet’s Project Wing is going to start delivering Chipotle burritos via drone to the Virginia Tech campus. While a very cool technological novelty, sales are expected to be hampered by delivering only one burrito per trip due to the FAA’s 55-pound weight limit.

Detroit’s Only Twenty Miles Away; What Could Go Wrong?
The Michigan State Senate passed an amendment to the state vehicle code allowing “the motor vehicle to be operated without any control or monitoring by a human operator.” This paves the way for self-driving cars or, of course, for someone to get exceptionally drunk, put together a Great Dane-sized chauffeur’s uniform, and “find out just how smart ol’ Duke really is.”

Some Things Just Can’t Be Tolerated
In response to discrimination claims, Airbnb is asking users to agree to a “community commitment” to work with others “regardless of race, religion, national origin, disability, sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, or age.” That is all completely reasonable; none of these are criteria for discrimination. Fortunately, the new agreement doesn’t specifically say anything about me having to rent to dirty, stinking, look-how-great-we-are-because-we-beat-the-Browns-ninety-eight-percent-of-the-time Steelers fans.

Because A Huge Glass Of Wine Is Universally Funny
Turner Networks wants to eventually sell streaming subscriptions directly to the consumer, not just in the US, but worldwide. “Okay, but what exactly is a Cougar Town, again?” asked Liechtenstein.

Great, But Isn’t That Everyone’s Goal?
Volvo and Autoliv, Inc. are forming a company to create autonomous driving software. Volvo’s CEO said this is part of the company’s goal to have no one killed or seriously hurt in their vehicles by 2020. That sounds really admirable, but I bet he only means physically hurt, and probably nothing is being done about your feelings when your girlfriend leers at Bike Shorts Guy in the crosswalk.

Better Safe…
The Federal Aviation Administration advised passengers to not turn on or charge Samsung’s Galaxy Note 7 during flights, citing the device as a fire hazard. They also recommended not leaving them in checked bags. After a moment, they added, “In fact, we’d rest a whole lot easier if you didn’t use them in the airport or even put the airline’s app on one from home.”

Looking Stupid When My Apple Watch Gets A Text Is A Small Price To Pay
Niantic’s Pokemon Go Plus wearable will be released on September 16. The device is worn on the wrist, and when you near a Pokestop or Pokemon, it vibrates to conveniently let you know how Pavlov’s dogs felt.

The Slim Probably Spits Out Discs When You’re Not Looking
Sony unveiled the new PlayStation 4 Slim, which will contain the same components as the previous model, but in a thinner case. The original PS4 is being rebranded the PlayStation 4 A Completely Healthy Size And Weight That Refuses To Be Body Shamed.

They’re Such A Good R&D Department We Feel A Little Bad About Not Paying Them
Snapchat is discontinuing its Daily Local Stories feature, which compiled videos of everyday activities in various cities. Hearing this, an Instagram executive reached for his phone.

“Hey Barney, that new project we’re working on? Real-time Regional Stories? Kill it. My latest, uh, analytics say it’s not worth it.”

 

Okay, it’s 8:30 on Saturday night, so I can probably just catch the beginning of the pre-game show for tomorrow’s Browns game. See you next week.

Mike Range
@MovieLeagueMike

 

Movie Draft Wrap-Up
It was a campaign to remember–the closest finish ever, with the season ending just two days too soon for Tom and Jennie to claim the championship. You can read the CRUMDUM recap of the season HERE¬†and look at who made the most accurate draft day predictions HERE.

Yep, The Book Is Still Here!
Nine months later, these stories are as funny as ever. How funny they were to begin with is somewhat subjective. But, hey, it’s a low-risk $.99! You can check it out at Amazon.

The Internet is Like a Snowblower: (And 200 Other Things I Got Wrong About Tech This Year) by [Range, Mike]

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Weekly Tech Views: The Tech – No Logic Blog by Mike Range is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.