Weekly Tech Views: The Tech – No Logic Blog – Sept 24, 2016

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Real tech stories. Really shaky analysis.

The Weekly Tech Views tries to be the most bizarre take on real news that you’ll encounter in any given week, but we’re resigned to finish, at best, a distant second this week. Happy Presidential Debate Season!

For the week of September 19 – 23, 2016…

No, Mr. Berman, I’m Afraid There Is No Rumblin’ Or Bumblin’ Or Even Stumblin’
ESPN will begin televising the Drone Racing League this October, but it will unfortunately be a few years before they can put on a full-fledged pre-race show due to ESPN’s mandate requiring at least half a dozen former league members willing to laugh at each other’s catchphrases for three hours.

I’ve Returned Six Or Seven Times Already
A Netflix executive proclaimed that one-third to one-half of subscribers who cancel the service eventually return to Netflix, though, in my experience, “return” is often defined as calling in sick to work on Thursday and Friday and spending 96 sleepless hours bingeing the latest seasons of Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Stranger Things, Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, Bojack Horseman, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Narcos, Bloodline, and Master of None before drinking a six-pack of Red Bull, driving to work, and canceling Netflix again on Monday morning.

Isn’t Seacrest Looking For Another Job?
AT&T’s Project AirGig is a program designed to provide low-cost, multi-gigabit internet access–primarily in rural and underserved areas–by installing plastic antennas on power lines. I think AirGig sounds like a great idea, especially since it turned that they hadn’t stolen my idea for Air Gig–a competition show like Lip Sync Battle, except contestants play a “gig” by “air” guitaring Guns N’ Roses’ Paradise City. For half an hour. You’d watch that, wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t call it “a horrible, mind-numbingly annoying, unwatchable concept” like twenty-four different networks have eerily repeated almost word for word, right?

Okay, Put The Halo Guy Back In The Chair
Following a strong surge in Nintendo’s stock price with the release of Pokemon Go this summer, the Pokemon Co. CEO announced that they would be making Pokemon games for Nintendo’s upcoming NX console. The announcement came just moments after the cable ties binding his wrists and ankles to a rusty metal chair in a dark, eight foot-by-eight foot room in the bowels of Nintendo’s headquarters were tightened another notch and the duct tape was ripped from his mouth.

Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero, You *&!#%!?
YouTube, in an attempt to rein in some of the site’s inappropriate comments and videos, has started YouTube Heroes, a program that awards points to users who help moderate content by flagging questionable content for review. Who knows, maybe this will actually lead the vile, disgusting, racist and sexist commenters to stop and think hey, maybe I’d find YouTube to be a more enjoyable place if I laid off the racist, sexist stuff and, instead, make some vile, disgusting comments about these Heroes narcs.

Well, Virtual Reality Is More Reality Than You Usually Get At These Things
NBC is partnering with AltspaceVR to stream the upcoming presidential debates in virtual reality, hoping the entertainment value of this innovative technology offsets the inevitable spike in debate night emergency room visits, as viewers–feeling for a moment like they are actually at one of the most important events in American politics–throw out their backs trying to kick “that miserable liar” in the ass.

Slow Down, Where’s The Fire?
Samsung allegedly rushed the launch of the Galaxy Note 7 to capitalize on the anticipated lack of new features in Apple’s iPhone 7. And who can blame them? They had to jump on the fact that the iPhone wasn’t going to be able to match the Note 7’s ability to heat a mid-sized studio apartment.

Sorry Samsung, Just One More
A Galaxy Note 7 that caught fire in China was not the result of a faulty battery, according to Samsung, but likely caused by external heating. They have yet to rule out, however, that the external heat was a result of all those other Note 7s catching fire.

Couldn’t You Call It The Madison?
Google sent out invitations for an October 4 event at which they are expected to unveil their Pixel smartphones. In a meeting preparing for the event, one executive asked, “Anybody have an idea for some celebrities we can get that would tie in to the Pixel brand?”

Turning quickly away from the office window, the others replied,

“Ummm…”

“Gosh, uh…”

“Hmmm, Pixel…”

Outside the window, Adam Sandler and Kevin James, stars of last summer’s 16% Rotten Tomatoes-rated Pixels movie, frantically jumped up and down while alternately waving their arms and pointing at their Pixels t-shirts.

Putting It On My Visa For The Sharper Image Gift Card Reward May Have Been A Mistake
Lyft president John Zimmer believes that personally owned cars in major US cities will be virtually non-existent by 2025. That’s crazy talk. I have a 2009 Corolla that I guarantee I’ll still be driving then. Unless by “owned” he means “paid off,” in which case I can’t really argue the point.

Good To Get A Second Opinion
Dating site Tinder has introduced Stacks, a new app for Apple’s iMessage that lets users create polls using stacks of images that their friends can swipe left or right on to express their opinion. This will prove helpful for questions like “Should I wear this on my Tinder date?” or “Does this look like a herpes sore?”

Or A Third
Facebook Messenger also added polling capability, allowing the opportunity for fun interactions like “The 97% of Tinder users who said this was a herpes sore are probably wrong, don’t you think? Just a cold sore, right? He seemed like a nice guy.”

Then Wait Tables Until 2AM!
Airbnb acquired Trip4Real, a company that offers travelers activities to let them “experience a city like a local.” For example, in Paris, instead of the obvious Eiffel Tower visit, you can “Taste the Best Chocolate in Paris with a Chocolate Addict.” And why not skip the Universal Studios tour in Los Angeles for “Grab a Scone and Latte in a Quirky Coffee Shop and Nurse it For Six Hours While You Stare Forlornly at Your Laptop Trying to Drag One More Coherent Scene From Your Soul For the Screenplay You’ve Been Working on for Two Years Even Though You Know Damned Well That Once it’s Finished the Business School Punks Who Run the Town Won’t Read Past the First Page Because They Wouldn’t Know Art if Da Vinci Popped Out of His Grave and Painted The Freaking Mona Lisa on Their Faces.”

 

Okay, time to prepare for the debate: Tonight’s post-first blog of fall beer–pumpkin or apple?

Mike Range
@MovieLeagueMike

 

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Weekly Tech Views: The Tech – No Logic Blog by Mike Range is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

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