Weekly Tech Views: The Tech, No Logic Blog – Oct 8, 2016

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Real tech stories. Really shaky analysis.

On this Columbus Day weekend, it’s important to take a moment to appreciate the accomplishment of the crews of those three ships–completing a trans-Atlantic sailing when the height of technology available to them–this was 1492, remember–were mechanical swivels for their cannons and, though many don’t like to recall this, iOS 2.2.1. Pre-multitasking! They certainly beat the odds surviving that ordeal.

 

Only Worn Once And Landed Gently In A Patch Of Grass Fifty Feet From The Wearer
Oculus is developing a standalone VR headset “that you can bring with you out into the world.” As wearing a VR headset actually blinds you to real world activities like, for instance, speeding traffic, Oculus is also developing a handy standalone VR headset Scratch-and-Dent Store.

Oculus Sub-Prime
Oculus also announced that touch controllers for the Oculus Rift will be available for $199. When many in the crowd responded with low whistles and murmurs of “Wow, $199?” Mark Zuckerberg said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Were you looking for something cheaper? Maybe you thought this was the Oculus Thrift event? I hear they have a real nice setup; you can get the whole package for under fifty bucks. There’s the headset made from a pair of those sweet sunglasses your grandparents wear over their other glasses. The inside of those glasses are decorated with stickers of Saturn, a moon, and a couple asteroids to make you feel like you’re in spaaaaace. And some say the level of immersion truly rivals the Rift when you activate their ten-dollar controller–a refurbished Wiimote where the only working button activates a simulation of the galaxy’s stars, represented with eerie accuracy by a ten-bulb strand of twinkling mini Christmas lights. That must be the VR experience you’re looking for. And with the money you save you can complete your state of the art gaming experience with Tetris FOR YOUR FREAKING FLIP PHONES!”

After Further Review, There Will Be No Further Reviews
Amazon is now forbidding reviews from customers who were given free or discounted products. Have it your way, Amazon, but you’re damned sure going to be the one to explain to my family why it’s so empty under the Christmas tree this year.

Eight Is Enough
The Life on Air company has discontinued Meerkat, its live video streaming app, to focus on their Houseparty app, which allows private video chatting for groups of up to eight contacts. Meerkat will not completely go away, however, as all of its users have vowed to band together and continue the Meerkat experience in one of those Houseparty private groups.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Balance Sheets
Twitter’s board members are reportedly split on whether to sell the company. CEO Jack Dorsey is arguing for staying the course and capitalizing on the company’s recent improvements and success streaming live video. Those in favor of selling have rebutted with a carefully crafted argument consisting of a GIF of Scrooge McDuck doing the backstroke across a huge room filled with gold coins.

I Didn’t Pay $7.99 To Just Look At The Sausage Gravy. Or Is It Oatmeal? Eh, Doesn’t Matter.
Twitter’s decision about whether to sell may be made for them, as Google, Apple, and Disney have reportedly decided not to bid. Salesforce is the final company rumored to be interested, though their CEO commented, “We have to look at everything, but we’re going to pass on most things.” Coincidentally, this is my exact philosophy concerning breakfast buffets, except for the “pass on most things” part.

When’s The Last Time You Saw Someone Relaxing In A Hammock And Sipping A Cold Nanoscale Machine?
The Nobel Prize for Chemistry was awarded was awarded to three men for their work designing and synthesizing nanoscale machines, marking the twentieth straight year that the committee has egregiously snubbed the geniuses responsible for the creation of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

At Least That Explains The Pentagram Burned Into My Hand
A new Samsung Galaxy Note 7–a replacement for the previous edition which was recalled for catching on fire–caught on fire. Gray-green smoke billowed from the device and it burned through a carpet. This finally confirms the initial internal research indicating that it was never the battery, but the work of demons unleashed from the underworld to bring Note 7-sized bits of Hell to Earth as Samsung’s punishment for skipping the Note 6.

In a press release, Satan stated, “You may know I have an affinity for the number six, and I can only interpret this jump from the Note 5 to the Note 7 as a personal affront. If Samsung insists on replacing the replacements with yet another non-Note 6, they may as well prepare the public for the constant smell of brimstone, swarms of flies squeezing from the speakers, and bleeding headphone jacks and call it the Note 7: Amityville Edition.”

But How Much Scarier Can A Charred Feral Ghoul Be Than Leaked Videos And Emails?
Bethesda Softworks will allow player-made modifications for Fallout 4 on the PlayStation 4, so get ready for 953 versions of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton being sent unarmed and naked into the Wasteland.

 

Thanks, as always, for spending some of your precious free time with the Weekly Tech Views. Even if “free time” is technically during the Monday Morning meeting while you pretend to take notes on the new sign-out procedure for office supplies.

Mike Range
@MovieLeagueMike

 

Creative Commons License
Weekly Tech Views: The Tech, No Logic Blog by Mike Range is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

2 thoughts on “Weekly Tech Views: The Tech, No Logic Blog – Oct 8, 2016”

  1. “sent unarmed and naked”, is now burnt into the retinas of my left and right political eyes, two no arms overaged naked bodies not in eden but the wastelands.

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